I cried pretty much all day today (and am still bawling while typing this) and had almost driven myself crazy until I decided that there got to be an answer to these age-old questions of mine: “Why does God put these people in my life who constantly bring me down and make me feel worthless on top of everything else I have to do for them? They have drained me physically, emotionally, and mentally. They have helped create the demons in me and seem to be always ready to stir up these demons so that I have to fight them with all of my energy. When will this ever end? Why me?” etc… I repeatedly fell into and out of my own pity party…
And then I heard some people call in a radio show with their problems. I could relate to some and not others. Regardless, the calls made me think of how various people experience the myriad of problems that can exist in this journey call “life.” And it’s almost useless trying to “compare” one problem to another … Granted, from first glance, some problems seem more severe than others. However, if the person who’s experiencing the seemingly less serious problems feels as much pain as those with bigger issues, their level of suffering is the same. Truly, it is all about how we respond to the problems presented to us and what we get out of them. In the end, the people who bring us the problems will be gone, and we are left with just who we are, so it’s best to learn the lessons that were intended for us so that we can live with our best selves at that time. It reminds me of a good quote Barbara De Angelis once said, “Obstacles are your lessons, and people are your teachers…”
There have been so many thoughts that arose this evening, and it’s rather hard for me to capture all of them and put them in a coherent manner at the moment, so I’ll just list these various points to help me digest them clearly …
1. First off, I do believe in personal choices, so I have to admit – I do choose to have these people in my life because of my own personal moral code. Actually, I can tackle this by taking some assertive actions on my part as well to hopefully reduce the abuse that is imposed upon me. I had tried this method before and it worked a little, but I failed to set concrete terms, so the behavior keeps coming back. I will assert myself clearly, concisely, and as lovingly as I can the next time, and will follow through with the terms I set.
2. Secondly, the choice I made in #1 alone means I am a decent person by my own yardstick (and in fact, by most yardsticks out there as well, but that’s not the point), and I will not allow them to make me think otherwise about myself. The physical, emotional, and mental abuse that have gone on as long as as I can remember had created a lot of misguided ideologies and misconceptions about myself and the whole humanity for that matter. No, I’m not dismissing everything I was preached. I learned and applied a lot of good rules. These help make me the good person that I am. But oh God, I also created so many unnecessary demons for myself. These help create the bads that are in me (the bads toward both myself and others). For the longest time, I lived in confusion and anguish. Sometimes I wasn’t even clearly aware of my confusion, and that was the worst. I was both a healthy and messed up person in so many ways, and I couldn’t tell which parts of me were healthy and which parts were sick. It has taken a lot of time and effort to diminish these demons, and hopefully someday I will be able to annihilate them altogether. Up until today, the demons still exist, because evidently they striked again this week. They still affect me, though I know to a lesser degree than the countless times before. My goal is to eventually be so confidently resolute about my goods and bads, and know how to distinguish between legitimate feedback and unhealthy, selfish criticism. I know I’ve grown a lot lately, where I no longer let the destructive people create any more emotional garbage in me (or is my garbage can too full to accept any more? ;-)).
3. Thirdly, let’s go back to the original theoretical question of why these people are in my life in the first place and what lessons they’re meant to teach me… I believe that all people are at various points on this whole growth continuum throughout their multiple lifetimes (this sounds like preaching reincarnation, but let’s not dwell on that debate). So here I am, in this lifetime, with this set of originally dealt deck of cards. Now what? Let’s look at various things that I can learn from having these people/problems:
i) The extra time and effort I have to put into these relationships -> I learn responsibility, time management, and a lot of practical skill sets.
ii) The unconscious, unintended, and constant attacks on my self-worth -> I learn to build my own self-image, know my strengths and weaknesses, and truly believe in myself despite what these unhealthy people say.
iii) The continuous preachings of ideas that no longer align with my own set of values -> I learn to build my own set of values that speak to me and adhere to them no matter what.
iv) The simple fact that this continues to happen -> I learn resiliency.
v) Their presence in my life -> I learn to know what’s healthy and unhealthy for me, and for the relationships that I choose for myself (friends, romantic partners, colleagues, or even casual acquaintances), I will deliberately choose more wisely and nurture them more effectively with my best self.
Of course, I’m nowhere near perfect with the lessons above. I’m still learning and applying them as consciously, frequently, and arduously as I can. It is hard, and I still stumble quite often. However, this is my personal vow to myself: I WILL SUCCEED. And I know I will.
Wow, you wrote this in your emotional state and I thought it was really organized. Your words of choice is amazing. I’m impressed by your intelligence.
Well, I think everyone is lost at times and nobody is the perfect angel. It feels like “Tau Qua Nhap Ma” at times. But I think that you’ll figured it out. In fact, I think you did figured it out because I see that your ending is becoming more positive for this post.
I think that the people who bring struggles into your life is just a way for you to train yourself to become stronger. Now you know how to handle those people and discover what you really want. =)