I love asking the question “Why?” and rarely do I not find the answer, if I truly take a long and deep look at the issue. More often it’s my own denial that clouds the obvious explanation that’s presented to me. Now is one of those moments when I just want to feel “confused,” since facing the true answer is just too embarrassingly painful. I did something that logically I knew wasn’t very smart, and was fully awere of the potential destructive emotions that would be stirred up within me. So why did I choose to do that? What hidden benefits was my unconscious mind clandestinely seeking to gain? I believe everyone does everything because of some conscious and usually unconscious benefit to themselves. Even the most altruistic people throughout history do the selfless things because they get some emotional gratification out of those actions. And there are those people who repeatedly indulge in objectively unhealthy behaviors. It’s because they also get some emotional satisfaction too, though from most healthy people’s standard, it’s a bit oxymoronic because that satisfaction will create more pain later and in the long run. There’s nothing wrong with this reality. That’s just the nature of the human mind.
Back to the question of why I chose to do what I did. The answer is clear – though difficult to admit – I was secretly hoping that I’d gain something (can’t spell it out publicly), knowing that the risk is quite high. The risk involves BOTH not gaining what I was hoping for and losing more of what I already have. That leads to the next question – why do I still choose to do that knowing the potential losses are probably a lot more than the elusive modicum of benefit I might gain? The best answers I can come up with right now are threefold:
i) My competetive/perfectionist/somewhat careless nature – I want to beat the odds if I really really really want something. I want things as best as I can, even if it means taking risks sometimes. In fact, I took way too many risks without thinking clearly and planning carefully.
ii) My tendency to want to have total knowledge of matters, partially stemming from insecurity. If I have a theory on something, I want to find out for real whether it’s true or not.
iii) My sometimes skewed view on the importance of various parts of myself & my life. I guess this is typical and normal. I’ll admit it. I often assign incorrect weights to various factors when I make decisions. Sometimes I don’t realize how significant or insignificant something is until it happens. And still, as time goes by, my perspective on it can change again. That’s what life is. One learn and change continually as they experience life…
OK I’m at work, so my trend of thoughts has been interrupted and scattered all over the place… This is the best I can come up with for now. Pheewww… Feeling good having unloaded these thoughts… Now getting back to work 🙂
